Gay married with kids mid 30s

Life has been a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and thank god it’s more stable, I personally believe being born gay in a Heimishe Stamford hill house upbringing is going to mess you up, firstly because you can not express your true identity to your close friends, or confess in a friend you real like to tell him how you feel, as he will probably reject you as we taught it’s a huge sin and abomination, now being in my mid 30s with kids, a wife that has zero idea I’m gay, it’s badly messed with my mental state, as it’s always compressing your emotions as when you together in bed you thinking of this model yingerman, and it’s very hard, slowly but surely even it’s a secret your close friends have figured by now you gay, and it’s to some real close friends a open discussion or subject, and in the wider community where i belong for the past years rumours have had it that I’m gay etc, but obvious that has no proof, and it comes with a price as you no longer can totally deny it and feeling different and a kind of dirty as gay is not accepted in any way shape or form, only reason why we officially non homophobic community is only coz we all officially straite, but if I’d dare to open up and tell people how I feel I will be thrown to the dogs, I’ll loose all Suport, I’ll b shuned from community I belong and I’ll be bad mouthed, The million dollar question is so what I am gay, so what I felt so from age 4 or 5, as long I don’t ask my friends to commit any sins, being gay is n abomination it’s the act that god has an issue with, so why can I not start living the truth, why can I not tell my wife the truth, she feels it any way that I Hardly love her sexually, yes we close but emotionally only and it’s very hard, I’d love to confess, she won’t divorce me, but what’s the point if in synergoge I can’t be open to this sweet yingerman and tell him I like him? What do I have to look above my shoulders when I speak to a sweet yingerman Thinking they prob talking on me? These things and the pressure of it hurts and damages emotionally. Your thoughts? Feel free to comment.

I AM BACK BIGGER AND STRONGER

its been ages since i deleted All my previous posts, having had all sorts of hardships, i decided my blog was too anti god, and decided to get rid off all my posts on this blog, to see if things will cheer up for me, i have not bloged now probably around 2 years or more, things have improved in many ways, and i learned many new things many new ways and im here to share some with you, if it can help even 1 person to see some more light in real life,
i am and as i still believe will always be gay.
but there's being gay and angry/rebellious or gay and a good life
i have the same tendencies as i had many years back, and still have them on daily basis, but there is a difference if you on top of it, or you fall in to it,
i am a fighter and always was, i use to think i will find an answer why god has made me gay, and in same time banned gay people from acting gay, and rating it an abomination, was making me like i believe many others very upset, angry, mixed up, and little down,
but after looking for help, and searching for the right medication to make me straight and happier from my inner fighting, i can cry out loud and say from the many thousands i have spent searching for the right medication, right therapy, i am stil where i was when i started my journey for help, as the taboo of being gay and differences of being a gay man, was real hard for me in many ways, firstly at home, having sex with the wife was extremely hard, and impurity thoughts all day, going for your friends, and then gay saunas, gay chats, paying for gay sex, and so on,
now few years later, im still same man, same taves, but am a refined man with god on my mind all the time, i have now been to hell and back, full of guilt, full of hurt, full of upset, and now im much much more religious, and i do my utter best to stay clean, to keep off gay sights, gay chats, gay people, and believe fully whole heartily best option is being religious, being at best behaviour, and knowing there will be no answer on this world, and u gota stick it, and try your best, and know only when moshiach will come you will hopefully get the answers and on this world we just have to believe like we believe there is a god, and accept it as unanswered, like puruh adeemuh, that its a law and even we dont understand it we gota stay focused and believe in everything the toireh says, trust me being frum, and being a good jew, is the best option i ever had, and i love going to shiel 3 times a day, when ever i have spare time i just indulge in shiel in a gemureh or in a chimish, and i can stay stuck for an hour or 2, i just love it, god has bh given me a light in the dark tunnel, where i got to see sum sweetners of the toireh, and in moneywise he has blessed me much more dan derech hateva, we dont know hashems ways, but if it worked for me meaby it will work for you??