Gay married with kids mid 30s

Life has been a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and thank god it’s more stable, I personally believe being born gay in a Heimishe Stamford hill house upbringing is going to mess you up, firstly because you can not express your true identity to your close friends, or confess in a friend you real like to tell him how you feel, as he will probably reject you as we taught it’s a huge sin and abomination, now being in my mid 30s with kids, a wife that has zero idea I’m gay, it’s badly messed with my mental state, as it’s always compressing your emotions as when you together in bed you thinking of this model yingerman, and it’s very hard, slowly but surely even it’s a secret your close friends have figured by now you gay, and it’s to some real close friends a open discussion or subject, and in the wider community where i belong for the past years rumours have had it that I’m gay etc, but obvious that has no proof, and it comes with a price as you no longer can totally deny it and feeling different and a kind of dirty as gay is not accepted in any way shape or form, only reason why we officially non homophobic community is only coz we all officially straite, but if I’d dare to open up and tell people how I feel I will be thrown to the dogs, I’ll loose all Suport, I’ll b shuned from community I belong and I’ll be bad mouthed, The million dollar question is so what I am gay, so what I felt so from age 4 or 5, as long I don’t ask my friends to commit any sins, being gay is n abomination it’s the act that god has an issue with, so why can I not start living the truth, why can I not tell my wife the truth, she feels it any way that I Hardly love her sexually, yes we close but emotionally only and it’s very hard, I’d love to confess, she won’t divorce me, but what’s the point if in synergoge I can’t be open to this sweet yingerman and tell him I like him? What do I have to look above my shoulders when I speak to a sweet yingerman Thinking they prob talking on me? These things and the pressure of it hurts and damages emotionally. Your thoughts? Feel free to comment.